My friend Ben asks this incredible question to people: "what do you want to do before you die?"
It's a great question for a lot of reasons, probably, but in particular because it gives you a clear look at something you don't often think about: the end.
Where does this all end up?
And will it be meaningful?
The good news is there is no right answers. You can pick and choose anything you like. You can assign significance to anything you like.
The bad news, though, you start to realize, is that there is a finite element to our human experience. Asking what we want to do before we die is a reminder that we must live, while we can.
Life is a precious thing, but we are given it every single day. So we forget. Things that we get every single day, for free, are rarely valued.
But then when we ask ourselves what we want to do before we die, we suddenly remember that this is all fleeting. The upside of that is we should live now, fully and completely. The downside of that is that it can be paralyzing, anxiety invoking. We get lost in the past and worried about the future.
I've been thinking about that question a lot, lately.
Not in a sad way. Not even in a philosophical way.
Just in a (hopefully) objective, honest way.
How many conversations really don't matter?
How many grudges aren't worth holding on to?
How many fears did we allow to paralyze us needlessly?
How many dreams did we give up on chasing?
Because, the ride will end. At some point.
So, yes, what do you want to do before you die.
But also: who do you want to be?
How do you want to live?
How do you want to show up in the days ahead?
Sometimes, I feel like I've failed myself. I can so easily recount moment after moment where I was judgemental. Or insecure. Or prideful. Or a liar. Or acting out of my ego instead of my heart.
I can think of time after time where I wanted to be more and I wasn't. I can think of endless examples of the ways that I've fallen short of my own potential. And it can feel embarrassing. Or hopeless. Or at the very least, deflating.
Because it's so easy to run your fingers back over every sharp edge of those memories, to wallow in the disappointment, to perpetually punish yourself.
It's a lot harder to actually forgive yourself. And it's infinitely harder to stop lamenting over the days behind us and start living in the day we're in right now. That’s the rather brilliant deception of beating yourself up: it feels virtuous. But it's just another clever way to hide. As long as you're thinking about what went wrong yesterday, you don't have to be fully here today.
So what does being fully here today look like?
I think about what I want to do before I die and it isn't skydiving.
And it's not seeing some ancient ruins or some body of water or some tropical shoreline.
And it's not having a material possession or some physical item to boldly proclaim and prove my existence.
I think about what I want to do before I die and it's just about trying to get closer to that version of who I think I can be. Because we all start out thinking we can be someone worthy of admiration.
Ask any kid what they want to be when they grow up. The answers never lack ambition or audacious thinking.
Because we all are innately wired to be radical optimists about our personal potential. We all have this internal vision of our most idealistic selves. And then somewhere, we give up on it. Not because we want to, really. But because it becomes hard.
People say hurtful things to us and maybe we start to believe them.
Or a tragedy kicks us to the ground and we have a difficult time getting back up.
Or we start to break promises to ourselves and it's harder to believe in our own word anymore.
And then, not in one moment, but gradually over time, we lose that vision of who we believed we could be in this life.
Until it starts to fade away. What was once clear becomes blurry.
The flame stops burning so bright. And then, maybe, it stops burning at all.
What do you want to do before you die?
I want to live, certainly. Fully and deeply.
But more than that, I want to keep believing I can be the person I once dreamed up.
I want to relentlessly pursue that potential.
Before I learned all the "rules". Before I believed there were limitations. Before I started to dissolve in my own doubts and despairs.
Before all that, there was a life I believed was possible.
I want to find my way back towards that.
I think about what I want to do before I die and it's not so much about accomplishments and adventures.
Those desires are there, certainly, and that's fine. But what I really want to figure out is how to find the alignment of who we think we can be and who we are right now. I want to close that gap.
Because it's not easy to be congruent in that way. Only you can ever know if you are doing it. Only you can really know if you are living your purest, deepest version of the truth. As the saying goes "the most important rule is you must not fool yourself. And you are the easiest person to fool"
And, truthfully, I feel far away from it some days.
Not because I try to hurt people. I don't.
Not because I have malicious intentions. I don't.
Not because I lack the desire to evolve. I don't.
But maybe just because it's easier. Its easier to drift. Its easier not to demand more from yourself. It's easier to stop chasing things.
It just is.
What do you want to do before you die?
I guess I want to find out if I can really be the person I think I can be.
Because, honestly, I'm not sure.
Today, I don't feel that close to it.
Tomorrow, maybe I won't either.
But I believe it's possible. And that feels like it’s worth something.
What do you want to do before you die?
I want to figure out what kind of person I can be while I’m still alive.
BEAUTIFULLY INsightFUL ... "But more than that, I want to keep believing I can be the person I once dreamed up."